Ruined and Try to Fix It

I found this while I was visiting my (eww) friendster account; I had a blog there and I found out this draft, unpublished post. I wrote it last year, around September to October. and this is what I wrote, without any change :

if you ask me, "Hey Dwi, how's your day today?" I would rather say "no good at all". hell yeah this is one-kind of sucks day in a year.

gue udah ngerasa cukup. cukup sebal, cukup kesal, cukup kecewa, blablabla. alesannya? tanya saja pada rumput yang bergoyang. kuda emang. I won't be a bitch here, talking about someone's bad behaviour, this is just talk about my self as a person.

I'm done done done doneeeee all done. my life has ruined, my scores at school break my Straight A's student stamp on my head, I'm fatter than I should be, my lovelife... hhhh. gue ga berusaha kelihatan mellow ato apa apa but that's the way it is. it's a sad, sad situation.

everyone has their own problems, have their own luck, have their own limits, etc etc. the thing is sometimes God has to knock your forehead and says "well done, little kiddo, you reach the highest score of my very-bad-girl-metre and now you're so dead. DEAD!!" before you understand where the problem is and where the luck is placed. and God must have knock my forehead a bit... hard.

gue berusaha berubah. gue mulai belajar, mulai nyari nyari solusi, mulai ngerjain assignments yang tertunda, pr yang selama ini jadi 'pekerjaan sekolah' dikerjain di rumah, diet lagi, but it needs time be the person I always want to be.

salah satu yang membuat gue sedih ya itu. apa lagi. I don't know what the real problem is. temen gue bilang, "Wik gue ga suka liat lo begini, jangan dong, liat mata lo, you don't deserve this..." waktu liat mata gue yang udah 2 hari ini terus kayak panda. no, I know I deserve this. maybe I act a bit hard recently and since then, I feel so bad about it. sorry seems to be the hardest word ya, but I wanna say sorry for everything I've done, and for God's sake, we havent forgive ourself! funny to see you act like a little kid, ha. let's say we're growing up now. I acted like one, so I know how yummy it is but no more kiddy's act. sorry for those things, too. I'm tired bringing this to my dream every single night, duh!

no fun without you, I miss you a lot, dude.

I haven't improve my english since then, yaaaa this is kind of a sophomore (or a new senior? haha)'s post; still childish, and I have change a lot since then.. now I find it's hard to make tears roll down on my cheeks; because I rarely cry.

and I just realised.. that 'that' unfinished bussiness with someone I'd wish to forget his name has been going since.. what, more than 6 months? even now I'm cool with it, I still find that he's feeling awkward with me; and I'm still pretty mad. no worries honey, this is just current emotions...

whatsoever, sorry for another boring post.